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angelofmusic07

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First entry in oh how ever many years. [11 Feb 2011|07:49pm]
this is my first entry in 3 years. I cant even believe that this journal is still floating around this cyber space. At first I didnt wanna update this.. I wanted to keep it where I left off. which was a happy ending. I spent all night last night reading and remembering....I didnt go all the way back to 2003 but I did go as far back as 2005..I stopped there only because 2005 was the year when I really stareted to form my identity...and through hard times and happy times and drunk times and high times, I became who I am today..

I gotta say the entry I find the most hilarious is when I am filling out one of those surveys and it asks me when I think im going to get married, I put 24-26...I was 19 at the time...

HAHAHAHAHAHA I AM LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF RIGHT NOW.

Because I am 24 now....and I stuck in a fling I cannot get out of...lololllol its so funny because I still haent found him, and its so funnty because through this journal I have gone through about...hmm lers just name em all bc its not like these sons of bitches actually even know I still keep this...so this journal went through: Nate,derek,brian(i dunno if I should count him bc he was only a 2week thing),dan,chad....it went through FIVE FUCKING BOYFIENDS.....

im only 24....im listening to q and not u...haha, can we talk about a throwback from 2005? for real...i lost alot of my music actually bc in 2008 i gotta new laptop..and the old laptop ive kept for many years before had a SHITLOAD of music on it...but i still had

The person I wanna be with more than anything right nmow is in the bathroom right now...

but i simply cannot.
Comments: Measure in Love!.

i love procrastinating the gym (stole this from liz) [28 May 2008|11:10am]
[ mood | rushed ]

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

1- I am so glad you are out of my life..but i must say because of you i appreciate the joy in my life so much more...and i know for a fact that karma bit u in the ass hard, that is why i didnt bother with u so much in the end...

2- People say we are a lethal combination when we are together..but atleast we can look back on these days and say that we lived it up and never held back...and the best part of it: you were with me all along: drinking it up and partying like rockstars

3-I am so lucky to have a best friend like you..i think back to everything you and i have been through together and the fact that you are still here really says something..u said it the best: its pretty obvious we cant live w/o each other by now

4- I love you so much..you are so special to me, you really make me a better person.

5- I love how after everything we are still keeping intouch, and i still find it really weird how we met!

6- Please stop trying to talk to me about jesus...I am jewish, and I am proud to be..I respect your beliefs..and if you really respected mine u wouldnt try to change them.

7- I really hope you are happy with the decisions you are making and its not for the wrong reasons..and please! lets do lunch sometimes.

8- I miss our balcony days..lets get a box of wine and just sun ourselves all day one day, whatya say?

9- I know you are just trying to be honest, I really wish you would stop assuming things about me and the decisions i make...

10- I thought u were my friend at first but its so obvious that you are jealous and have a very spiteful way of showing it..this is the reason why I dont choose to associate myself w/ u anymore

NINE things about yourself:

1- I have a thing for candles and mirrors
2- I am not afraid to be honest with you but there is sucha thing as being nice about it
3- Once I have a goal in mind, I will work my hardest until I achieve it
4- I love the color light green (not lime green), also white and black
5- sometimes, i listen to showtunes when I work out..
6- Culinary school will be my back up plan if psychology doesnt work out
7- I am a straightforward person.i dont keep things inside anymore, if something is bothering me i will tell you, in the calmest most nonconfrontational way possible (that is something I have recently learned and its making life so much easier)
8- I am OCD about working out and eating healthy..but I never want to get bony skinny because i think thats just as gross as being overweight..
9- Some nights all I wanna do is stay in and watch tv..and there are nights when I get all decked out and stay at the clubs till whenever..i have stumbled to my best friend's apartment alot of times because i live too far away from the bars.

EIGHT ways to win your heart:

1- Make me laugh.
2- Be passionate and affectionate.
3- Dont lie to me.
4- Dont disrespect me
5- Be nice to my friends
6- Know how to cook.
7- dont say im sorry with a gift..say im sorry by just learning from your mistake.
8- assure me that no matter what you are on my side and you will back me up.


SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1- food
2- chad
3- sex (i told u im honest)
4- money
5- when im going to run
6- career
7- school

SIX things you wish you never did:-->I don't like this one because even though I am not happy with some things I have done I still learned from them and grew..but anyway, here they are.

1- Resorted to drugs as a way to numb pain
2-
3- invested so much of myself in another person and get heartbroken in the end (i added to it, because its mainly true for me too)
4- cant think of anymore
5-
6-


FIVE turn offs:

1- people w/ no manners or class
2- loud chewers
3- cheap people
4- liars
5- bigots

FOUR turn ons:

1- maturity
2- chad's body
3- good dancers
4- armani cologne


THREE emotions you feel on a regular basis:

1- happy
2- satisfied
3- anxious


TWO things you want to do before you die:

1- raise a family
2- see as much of the world as i can

ONE confession:

1. i havent been to the dentist in a long time..

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[22 May 2008|05:09pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

WOw..it has been so damn long since I even looked at this..I was going through all my entries from day one when I started this blog which was all the way back when i was 17 during my senior year in high school...this blog exposes the last five or so years of my life which I believe are the most important parts...this blog has seen relationships of mine blossom and miserably fail, the times when I was at my lowest and the times when I was at my highest..its the longest commitment I have ever made to an online blog..So.to recap the last year and a half:

I finally gathered up what was left of my dignity at the time and said *enough* to an unhealthy relationship that should've ended after the first time he pulled shit...no one really knows what went on behind closed doors (only a select few)...but it was what you call abusive, im gonna leave it at that...and I didnt realize how unhealthy and dangerous it was until I got out of it and started seeing everything from an outsider's perspective...never again I will put my mind and body through so much pain and agony...no man is worth that..it doesnt matter how much he tells u he loves you, if it was really love...you wouldnt feel numb,chronically depressed..and u would actually want to engage in sexual relations with him w/o nagging..ew.

So that ended right after I turned 21..so of course, that entire summer was just one shit show after another celebrating my new found freedom with my best friends...I delved into a phase that I think alot of people go through: frequent use of alcohol and marijuana...I was like this for pretty much all of fall semester while trying to deal w/ the aftermath of this horrible relationship i was in, even though I was the one who ended things it still haunted me that I was treated so horribly and didnt even realize it...

In November 2007 I met chad who is currently my boyfriend and also someone who I'm slowly realizing is helping me learn to love and trust again w/o fear..who helped me realize that I don't have to be drunk or high to have a good laugh or calm down..basically, it's not that I am becoming a better person I am returning back to the old Lea before any of this other shit happened to her...this is the first relationship where no mind games are being played,no lies are being told...it is really a healthy consistent honest relationship we have w/ each other..I am slowly realizing that I dont have to put up a wall up w/ him...he doesnt just talk, he does..and that is something that every guy should do..

I am also re-connecting w/ my friends and getting closer to other ones too...I realize that girlfriends are so important to have...keep them close, because when all else fails they will still be there...

so as a closing remark..here is how you can tell if you REALLY TRUTHFULLY happy in your relationship:

When people ask about him, you find yourself telling them about him so easily w/o a doubt in your mind..the words just flow out, and you really believe it yourself...not only are you smiling on the outside, but you are smiling in the inside too...you aren't sugarcoating anything just to make your relationship sound amazing...you dont have to..because it is amazing by itself..and you are just telling the truth.

:) you learn so much from dating so many assholes LoL its amazing

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[13 Jun 2007|05:49pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

so yea...i havent been feeling really great lately..infact, im pretty FUCKIN SHITTY

im stuck up here alone....w/ barely anyone to talk to...i feel secluded and left out...and yea, i feel pretty fuckin invisible at the moment...

u kno what fuck this bullshit....no one fuckin gives a shit anyway....my status on facebook says that i feel pretty fuckin invisible to everyone..and u know what, im starting to believe its true...

i bet if i disappeared for awhile people wouldnt even notice..they wouldnt even know i was gone...

i should have studied to become a magician..because i think i have a natural talent for making myself invisible to everyone.

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[10 Jun 2007|02:11am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

so im thinking of creating a new journal...ive had this LJ for almost four years now...it includes everything from december of senior year in high school!! i have grown so much since then, my mind is more open..i am much more aware...so much has happened in these four years that when i look back i cant believe i went through it all and came out alive...but then again those are the same experiences that im thankful for because they shaped alot of who i am today...

It's 21 days before my 21st bday...im excited, and anxious...its just gonna feel so good being legal and not to worry about where your alcohol comes from...and then senior year at happy valley!! w/ amy and gamma sig and all my other friends?? its just gonna be the time of my life..i can totally sense it right now...

so this semester was rocky, some parts were good some were bad....ive realized alot about people and regained an old friend who i'm so happy to rekindle our friendship!!! i've also realized even more about myself...all of which I love and the things that aren't so perfect i just remind myself that perfection is boring and people have their flaws...

i feel myself becoming more cultured..I am appreciating music,ethnic food,good drinks,and nature alot more than ever...I am looking at things in a much more deeper spiritual perspective and i love that...i feel like i'm very intouch w/ the world im living in...you know whats ironic? i've felt this way ever since I smoked the legal substance salvia where u basically have the best trip of your life for five minutes...yea, i dont think i would be able to handle it for more than 5mins..lets just say the colors on the rug rose up and wrapped themselves around me, crazy huh...yea it was..and it was a wonderful experience..all perfectly legal, believe it or not i bought it at the jamaican junction in downtown state college...yea i have no fucking clue how its legal but it is...

But ever since then I have been much more self aware and just...feeling more in tune to things...I've been looking at things in a much more deeper way and I like that because it makes me appreciate things alot more...my eyes are wide open and i'm alive...

i've realized that the way things happened in my life were for the best even if at the time they hurt me like no other..now i look back and i realize that it was for the best...

I have taken a very deep appreciation for the doors and jim morrison..this may sound surprising but he was more than what the media portrayed him to be...and the main reason why he did all those drugs was to unlock the doors of perception and to "break on through to other side" and just go beyond what's known...to expand the mind i guess...thats what drugs were used to back in the time when native americans roamed this land..they weren't a wasteful culture at all...everything they used came from the ground..can you imagine what medicine men used? to numb pain and creating "psychological healing?" oh yea....fresh from the ground...anything you can think of...infact back in the the texas and mexico area, the native americans tried this drug called peyote which is a cactus you eat that makes you trip...they would do this as a ritual where they would sit in a circle and eat this peyote plant...then just wait until the effects began...the purpose of all this was for meditative purposes and to reach into the "spiritual realm" yea i know, hard to believe but drugs actually had a real legitimate use for them...the reason why they are illegal now is because the people of modern culture cannot handle it...our minds and our bodies simply cannot...everything is processed now...everything is fortified,enriched, in some way shape or form...people dont use these drugs hardly for the old fashioned reasons anymore...and because of that dangerous things happen like car accidents and such...

so my goal for this summer of 2007? to learn as much as i can about the world...to go out and have fun, enjoy the goodness of good drinks and good friends...do something different once a week...be spontaneous...go on drives..enjoy my time w/ my family and friends because they are apll apart of who i am as well and I would simply do ANYTHING for them...

there is just so much beauty in this world..and its sad because ppl fail to realize sometimes..i dont blame them...all u hear about now a days are rapes,murders,drug busts...no wonder why people have lost faith in beauty..but im telling you that it still exists..

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[08 Jun 2007|09:41am]
[ mood | busy ]

okay guys...so i havent updated recently, but..its my 21st bday in 23 DAYS!!!

23 days mothafucka!! so i wanna treat myself to something really cool and really....out of the ordinary to celebrate my becoming legal! but i need a lil help from my friends-->

I've always wanted my nose pierced....but i also want my own water pipe (i know im a pothead...i didnt wanna admit it before but now i am coming out of the closet: I AM A POTHEAD AND FUCKIN PROUD BITCHES!!) so yea..i was in jamaican junction last weekend checking out water pipes...and i saw the one for me!! its BEAUTIFUL!! its yea and tall and oh so pretty...and it has beautiful artwork on it..it has a flower and a peace sign and just some really trippy looking art...the bowl that comes w/ it look even cooler cuz its so biigg!! so yea..i want it, but if anyone knows what im talking about who has experience buying these things...they are expensive...this one that im looking at is $150!!! oh i have no problem getting the money, infact i have the money for it believe it or not..but its either that or getting my nose pierced...i need your votes! cuz im so indecisive!!!

1. Waterpipe
2. Nose pierced

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[09 Mar 2007|03:42pm]
im so angry right now i dont if i wanna cry or break holes in the walls...im fucking PISSED OFF AT HIM FOR FUCKING DOING THIS TO ME BEFORE OUR SPRING BREAK AND WORSE...BEFORE OUR FUCKING ONE YEAR!! he can be so fucking selfish and mean and hurtful and reckless...JUST A PLAIN ASSHOLE! and i fucking hate him for fucking up spring break and our one year...he gets drunk and he says stupid and mean shit to me..makes me cry..and then promises to make it better, and its just one vicious cycle...i finally had enough and told him i wanted a break...TWO FUCKING WEEKS BEFORE OUR ONE YEAR!! I FUCKING HATE HIM FOR CREATING THIS MESS BETWEEN US!! HE DOESNT THINK!! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS FEELING GOOD FOR THE MOMENT!! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING WASTED OFF HIS ASS TO ESCAPE FROM THE WORLD...FUCK THAT I FUCKING HATE HIM FOR BREAKING MY HEART LIKE THIS!

part of me doesnt even wanna celebrate our one year just because of all this shit....im so angry at him, im angry at myself for letting him do this to me..im angry at the fact that i dont have a car so i can just leave and dont have to wait for his STUPID SORRY ASS TO FUCKING PICK ME UP!! HE RUINING MY GOOD TIME HERE AT STATE COLLEGE BECAUSE HE IS SO FUCKING SELFISH!!

i get angry just by hearing his voice...i dont even wanna talk to him but im so ANGRY!! im so frustrated, and hurt and disappointed and PISSED OFF!! TWO WEEKS BEFORE OUR FUCKING ONE YEAR? AND NOT EVEN A WEEK BEFORE SPRING BREAK?? WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS???

i totally resent him for all the shit hes done in our relationship and trust me there is alot..just because i dont write it all in here doesnt mean it doesnt happen..BECAUSE IT FUCKING DOES..sometimees im just too ashamed to write about it or too upset or too angry..BUT OMG I HAVENT BEEN ANGRIER!!

all the stuff he buys me doesnt mean SHIT TO ME IF HE CANT BE EMOTIONALLY STABLE AND MATURE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP!! i just feel so little right now and helpless....i totally withdrew from everyone here because im just sooooooo pissed and upset..i havent talked to my friend mindy in days (she probably thinks im dead) i cry EVERY FUCKIING DAY!

honestly, i cant remember a time ive been angry like this w/ anyone other than my father...HE JUST DOES SUCH A GOOD JOB AT BRINGING THAT SIDE OUT OF ME!! i hope he cries..i hope he fucking SWEATS OVER THE FUCKING THOUGHT OF LOSING ME!!!!

he pulls so much shit and i let him get away w/ it because im too nice..well maybe i shouldnt be nice anymore..because he just walks all over me...i feel like our one year is gonna be SO FUCKING SHITTY!! AND THAT SPRING BREAK IS GONNA BE EVEN SHITTIER!! HE DOESNT THINK...ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS GETTING DRUNK W/ HIS STUPID FUCKING SELF!! ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS PARTIES AND DRINKING AND SMOKING!!! AND HIS GRADES ARE HORRIBLE AND HE IS BRING ME DOWN W/ HIM!!

this anger has been pent up anger from this whole relationship...how much hes hurt me this past year over so much shit...i dont know if i wanna be w/ him anymnore...im so disgusted by him right now...just his voice makes me wanna fucking punch him...he seriously fucking makes me like shiiitttt
Comments: 3 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[28 Dec 2006|08:37pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

so i just wanna say that last night was the most amazing night i have had in awhile...a bunch of people came over (philly friends and jersey friends) i reunited w/ nick and basia..we all got real drunk and just went crazy...it was fun..and pics will be posted soooon!!

and mmm my danny just made me ravioli..life couldnt get any better

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[07 Dec 2006|04:12pm]
So...i move out in two weeks, im giving my two weeks into ae saturday..and hopefully i'll start my seasonal job at sephora, bath and body works or bertuccis or starbucks...i guess we'll wait and see..i am feeling my usual lethargic self like i do at the end of every semester...I have to start moving all my shit out, and clean my room before the new roommate moves in....i have to go shopping for my new room to get a couple things like a new trashcan and various assortments of toiletries...

so much to do in so little time..i cant believe this semester went by so fast...and yeah it kinda sucked...im not being negative i am being simply realistic when i say that this semester i think was my 2nd worst semester yet (spring semester freshman year was #1) so im gonna make winterbreak amazing and spring semester at state college even more amazing...
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[04 Dec 2006|10:40am]
cute "you know you are" and "you know you're from" memes...alot of these apply to me..some dont...and they dditn have *u know ur israeli when* instead they had *persian* which i am partly also since my grandparents are.. anyway...but yea im bored and wasting time..and its strange how true some of these can be (although for the persian one only some apply)

Read more...Collapse )
...kinda cute
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[21 Nov 2006|12:44pm]
btw....dan and i never broke up, the earlier entry was just something i was pondering..no we are good now...we talked ALOT..

as in charlotte from sex and the city says "IT'S SO NICE TO BE WITH A MAN WHO TALKS"

thats all kids...happy thanksgiving, eat lots of turkey..and if ur gonna be in the mall on black friday watch ur purses and ur kids (if u have any)
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[19 Nov 2006|09:55pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

i am way too romantic for reality..

and ive always been like that..

i was gonna get into this whole deep analytical thing..but it doesnt have to be, maybe some things are best when they are just stated short and sweet..and i think this is one of them:

I AM WAY TOO FUCKING ROMANTIC FOR REALITY

there...

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[15 Nov 2006|01:51pm]
this is so fucking dangerous...and weird..

my body is being really weird..my hands are shaking but i had no caffeine today..i am not on any drugs except my usual ritalin dosage but i never shake from it...i cant write well, i cant hold the pen up straight..it takes me a couple times to spell a word right..its fucking hard to find the words on this keyboard even..my heart is beating very fast...im having trouble breathing, everytime i try to breath in it kinda stops halfway and i dont breath in all the way so im forced to breath out...and i got nothing...

what the fuck is going on??? in my mind...yeah ill admit its kinda screaming...


its dangerous...i kinda dont know what to do here..i cant rest b/c i have class and i cant miss class cuz then i wont be busy and if i wont be busy then ill start to think and if i start to think then ill start to cry and if i start to cry then ill start to sob and if i start to sob then ill i wont stop sobbing and if i cant stop sobbing then ill think deeper and darker and if i think deeper and darker then...

then i will crash...i will collide..the air bag will pop out and hit me harder than it ever did in the chest and the check and the face..ill be all bruised up and ill have the biggest ugliest gash from my chest area to the chin...and ill breath in the fumes and ill start to tear bc my eyes are exposed to it...and ill start to violently cough becasue the fumes are getting into my lungs...and my brain will stop working, and my mind will be screaming to get the fuck out but my brain just cant and wont send the signal to my hand to open up the car door and step out...my nose will be bleeding....i will be bleeding...

this makes NO FUCKING SENSE GODDAMMIT!!!!!!! i am writing like i lost my mind...and no i havent because if i did then i wouldnt be typing this right now..hah i just almost spelled "right" "wright" OMG is that even a word? it could be a last name...but is it really a word? WHO THE FUCK CARES!!!!!!!!! i dont...

Lea decided that she is not in right now...leave a message and try yourself again..

bye.
Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[15 Nov 2006|12:17pm]
i dont know where to start..as far as im feeling right now, to be honest not much of anything..im kinda upset about that cuz i wanna feel SOMETHING..ANYTHING..but my mind has gotten so good at blocking out unwanted emotions that at this point i just do it..w/o even wanting to...i mean i do feel traces of emotion..i felt em real strong last night..then i kinda dazed off in the car w/ mel on the way back to jenkintown...we got a flat on the turnpike, got freaked by some potential psycho and locked ourselves in the car until AAA came...when i got out of the car it was kind of chilly but it felt good..i took of my sweatshirt and just walked around a little bit breathing in and breathing out...stretching my legs..cracking my knuckles..thinking...yea dan and i are on somewhat of a break right now..i went to kutztown last night only for him to tell me just that...which of course in the end i felt stupid and out of place for coming there in the first place...when we first left i was emotional..i was crying...then i stopped...and just stared...and thought ...about alot..

i know this isnt the worst ive felt, ive delt with the worst already and i promised myself at that time it would never get to be like that and so far...on the bright side we arent broken up as of now...and when i walked out he says he still loves me?? confusing..but i understood, cuz i guess if he really didnt anymore then it woulda been over right? so yea...

The difference in this situation is that i wasnt so innocent either..this has been going back and forth for a couple weeks now...so i dont blame him, to be honest i was close to doing it a couple weeks ago but i couldnt...

so according to him, we are still together but we are on a short break...at first i was sucha mess but then i kinda just....stopped...just suddenly stopped...i stopped crying..i stopped moving..i think i even stopped blinking too...and i remembered the worst...and i knew that at that moment...i wasnt living the worst...and i knew i couldnt let it get to that..

im okay..i havent cried since i first left kuztown...i came home to steph who brought cookies...we had some wine..i got a lil drunk cuz i didnt eat ANYTHING yesterday since 7:30am and not to mention im a fucking light weight...it was easy, she had a sip..i chugged the rest (wasnt that much in there at all) and just layed on my back...and we talked about everything...i didnt drink to self medicate i just drank cuz after a long day, wine calms u down...trust me if i wanted to binge drink i wouldve..we have alot in the apartment :)

i woke up this morning feeling kinda hollow but reminded myself that the world is still alive...people are still going about their routines...class is still going on..i have a test today...and i have shit to do...i love dan, i really do...and im not just following this because of him but because of me and our relationship..its the mature thing to do..and maybe something will good will come out of this....i hope it does, im giving him exactly what he wants: his space.
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[14 Nov 2006|01:50pm]
What was supposed to be a good night turned out to be hostile,anrgy, and overall very emotionally upsetting...

and its gotten me to really think..

and im very very upset...

and i think i just wannna withdraw from everything and everyone...i did it once and i seriously felt a sense of peace that i have never felt before...maybe i just need to do that again to renew myself and gain back the energy i exert so much..and in the end im tired and exhausted...

**sigh** i dont even wanna go to class..
Comments: 5 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[09 Nov 2006|05:13pm]
**sigh**

basically, the past week I have been dedicated to this italian test which i took yesterday...I studied alot, put time and effort when i really didnt want to...made flashcards, took notes etc etc so by the time i walked into that classroom, i was feeling pretty confident and self assured that I was gonna do well and not fuck up this time..for those who dont know, this is the only class i currently have a C in, so this test was particularly important..

so everything is fine, im feeling pretty good about this until i get the test and BOOM..everything is unfamiliar to me..there were words i didnt know...words i didnt think i was expected to know, everything seemed like a blur to me....i got frustrated, pissed off, and ready to cry...i couldnt believe that all that studying just went to shit...i finally just did what i could and by the end was so upset that i just gave it to the teacher and left...

i didnt fail it, but im pretty sure i didnt anything higher than a C which isnt an improvement becuz all my other tests were Cs too...i just cant wait until im done with that class, i really dont like the professor..he treats us like babies, gives unnecessary pop quizzes (we have like, 3 a week no joke)...and gives us useless work to do....italian is not my major, i would much rather be studying for a social psych midterm than studying stupid italian verbs that im gonna forget about anyway when im done with them...and no i dont ever plan on getting a job in italy anyway.

ok, i think im done venting...

FUCK ITALIAN CLASS!!!
Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[02 Nov 2006|07:05pm]
so i really fuckin hate it when im in the library trying to study or do hw and there is some arrogant ASSHOLE TALKING LOUDLY ON HIS PHONE!!!!

i am so frustrated..people have no consideration that this is a fuckin library and if they wanna fuckin talk on their cell phones DO IT OUTSIDE!!!!

i am ready to go over there and tell him to shut up because this is just ridiculous.


okay i just thought id let this out.
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[25 Oct 2006|08:36pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

So...i have found a place off campus at STATE COLLEGE (im trying to get out of the habit of saying upark) so yea, its the lions crossing on vairo blvd for those of u know who care or know the area well....it looks really nice and im going up there w/ either my mom or dan to visit on saturday and take a tour...the apartment seems really nice, it has a gym,pool,u can rent movies,a spa and even its own computer lab...rent is so much cheaper than what im paying now, and i dont even have to worry about utilites except electric i think!!!

i dont think im gonna need my car on campus either considering i get a free bus pass..i dont think i want my car up there anyway, too much of a hassle...so yea, im excited..and they even do roommate matching which is sooo convenient!!!!

so yea ill be up there saturday...walking around exploring campus..should be a good time, im also gonna be up there for veterans weekend w/ nicole visiting amanda...we pretty much established that is our vacation weekend since we are gonna be drinking nonstop and partying..i think i deserve it, i havent partied ONCE this semester, its only school school school...im getting real good grades too (except for italian i think i have a C but we're not gonna talk about that)...other than that its As and Bs for lea!!! so yea, i think i deserve to get a lil drunk if ya ask me....every girl is entitled to it..

gym time!! it is but another all nighter tonight!!! im gonna get my entire bio paper done tonight so i dont have to worry about it this weekend, or atleast the majority of it...i have been pulling alot of all nighters...they seem to help despite the fact that im losing alot of sleep but actually, i have been getting alot done...maybe thats one reason why my grades are so good this semester...

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[10 Oct 2006|01:09pm]
and to make matters even better..i just received notice that i have met the second round for qualifiers of PSI CHI...this is a HUGE DEAL TO ME!! since ive never been in any honors society in my life...(oh wait except Alpha Lamda Delta in Hartford) but still..im doing so much better in college than i ever did in high school, could it be because im more happier with myself? but i have worked so hard and am gonna continue to work hard.

life is good

...and im smiling as im off to bio class

:::she smiles to herself as she logs off the computer:::
Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[10 Oct 2006|12:36pm]
[ mood | calm ]

So I havent written here in forever...alot of shit as happened since my last entry, some good some bad..some rebuilding itself, and all in all im growing with it..

September was a month of shocking news...it was just one thing right after another, so overwhelming..to start off, ive decided to finally make the transition to penn state upark next semester, i didnt think i was ready but after alot of thinking and writing lists and weighing the pros and cons..it just came clear to me that the longer i wait the more im missing out, so i better just take this opportunity. Im excited, there are alot of things to look forward to up there..im finally gonna be where i wanted to go since high school, it was a tough journey but im finally going there...and i cant wait..im scared, nervous, anxious, and of course i have no idea what to expect but who does? im gonna miss it here in abington, i used this place to rebuild my life that was torn apart in hartford...it was hard in its own way but also fun and worthwhile...yet now its time to move on and start over for the 3rd time in the place that i shouldve been all along, but maybe if i got accepted to upark my senior year i wouldnt've have gone through all that i went through in hartford and who knows? maybe i wouldve been a different person? a more naive one at that? i dunno..i cant really say.

Other than upark news..its sad to say that certain people (well one person) suddenly refuses to associate with me..just cut me out, without any explanation...didnt reply to any of my messages..at first i was confused, that confusion turned into sadness..then to anger, now ive come to realize that if this person has it in them to just cut someone like that out of their lives, especially when we've been through so much together for so many years, then maybe they were never a real friend to begin with...I have no idea what i did, i was nothing but nice to this person...I even asked other ppl who have seen us together they all say the same thing so its not like im blind here either...but seriously, im done running after them...if they ever want to talk they now how to reach me and i will gladly listen but it is clear that right now they want nothing to do with me for whatever reason...i thought i atleast deserved an explanation instead of just going away without warning...but now, i dont even want it anymore...and again, i never thought this person had it in them to just do this..but people do surprise you..maybe this happened for a reason but im not gonna dwell on it anymore..if they have it in them to do this to me then they arent my type to associate with anyway...its so sad to admit this but i have to becaus i just have to put it out there in order to finally accept it and move on with my life...

TO THIS PERSON: I dont know what I did to make you hate me so much to the point where you just all of a sudden stopped talking to me without any explanation or without returning any of my messages...after a couple tries to contact you i get it..i wont bother with you anymore...i just dont wanna hear it that i never valued our friendship because if YOU DID like u claim u did u would atleast have the decency to say it to my face that we are no longer best friends, so if thats the case...then ill accept it...if u ever wanna contact me in the long run im always available to talk, i dont hold grudges..they are a waste of time and energy..if you do thats your business...but if you don't i'll live...honestly at this point its all up to you now because ive tried everything i could...and im not running after you anymore..i dont run after people who just ditch me without warning or justification...so yea, im letting go..have a nice life.

...that felt good, i feel refreshed kind of.

Stuff with dan has been rocky all month...specific instances that i refuse to mention here has kind of brought us back to square 1...im in the process of trying to rebuild my trust for him again, and no he did not cheat on me...this is strictly involving me and him..he knows what he did and everyday so far hes been working with me to show that hes really sorry and trying to mend this relationship back together..so yea it is getting better..we are talking more, sincerely that is..as in we are having more real conversations...when before it was all about getting fucked up, but i like it better this way...and its getting better.

ALSO:: i am quitting american eagle, i got a job offer in my major field working with troubled kids for 13-16 dollars an hour..training starts in two weeks and im SO FUCKING EXCITED!! with this training im getting a certificate that says im a therapist staff specialist which means even after i transfer to upark i can get a job with any agency if i have this certificate and ill get paid alot..plus doing what i love..and getting an early start on experience..thats what grad schools love!!

so ladies and gentlemen..despite the shitty aspects of life..i feel like im heading in a good direction..as well as a healthy one..my life is slowly changing once again and im riding with it..i can feel myself even growing and changing..im excited what this new job is gonna teach me..and im excited for upark...i shouldnt let the weight of negativity bear me down so much because it puts a stop to everything thats positive making me blind to it, so maybe i should look past the dark side for once...

Comments: 3 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[30 Aug 2006|12:07pm]
[ mood | excited ]

EDJUK8Dguesser (11:06:57 AM): sorry but im warning u now
L Amore701 (11:07:05 AM): uh oh :-P
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:07:11 AM): im gonna be all over u like a dog on a hydrant
L Amore701 (11:07:21 AM): please do
L Amore701 (11:07:27 AM): and like a hydrant i wont give a damn
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:07:35 AM): im trying to think of a good analagy
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:07:40 AM): like
L Amore701 (11:07:53 AM): a fat kid when he sees a slice of choco cake
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:07:57 AM): eh
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:08:01 AM): not good enough
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:08:04 AM): like
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:08:29 AM): a hotdog in a bun iduno
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:08:39 AM): that was bad
EDJUK8Dguesser (11:08:41 AM): i tried
L Amore701 (11:08:43 AM): OMG HAHAHAHAHAH

...it is moments like that one that just give me all the more reason to love this crazy person im with, and im enjoying every minute of it....so tonight after i get out of work i am driving all the way out to kutztown just to spend the night w/ dan, only to drive back to jenkintown the next morning..

clearly anybody would say that it is a waste of miles and gas but i simply just dont give a damn....what really matters is seeing the smile on his face when i get out of the car and he is there waiting for me..and hugging him and just being our crazy selves once again...thats all that matters...and i cant wait.

so here is my plan for today: i am going to run as soon as im done this entry...then im gonna shower and get dressed for work...go to work then after i get out of work its just me, my car and the pennsylvania turnpike w/ maybe some rent in the background....

i hope its a smooth drive, thank goodness its not gonna rain or anything....im always a lil nervous when it comes to driving on the turnpike but im gonna just take my time so i can get there safely...than all will be good.

i hope work goes by smoothly and that we dont get out so late...oh i dont care, that wont stop me from driving to KU but the earlier we get out the better..thats always the case no matter what.

alright kids, its time to go bust my ass in the gym...wish me luck on driving tonight!

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[27 Aug 2006|09:04pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

dan left yesterday for college...and i miss him so much right now..i cant stop crying right now its so exhausting in depressing...im just cleaning and crying cleaning and crying while all the while i have incubus and sublime playing on my computer, seriously...WTF?? as if i was already tortured enough...

everything is him..this whole room has his personality in it..its so weird after spending so much time w/ someone u walk into a room u guys have so many memories in and just feel his presence so strong...he is EVERYWHERE...when i bought new sheets, he set em up for me..he made my bed so perfectly every morning after we slept in it...the phillies hat he bought me as well as the black hat he bought me on southstreet is hanging on my door..is pants, his tshirt and his hoodie are resting neatly on my bed...his candle is on my desk...the bracelet he bought me is on my wrist...the picture on my window sill and on my bulletin board..his old psych notes he left for me to look through...our scrapbook..the fuckin desktop wallpaper picture...the corsage pinned to my board...the fuckin song thats playing right now that drew me to him when i first saw his myspace..incubus incubus..everything incubus..my tapestry above my bed...the song admiration thats playing right now aka my ringtone...the rent playbill when we went to go see it...he is just everywhere, its like he lives here and im expecting him to walk through my bedroom door any second and wrap his arms around me..

i cant bring myself to sleep in my bed anymore because i cant picture sleeping in it alone w/o him..we spent so many nights here that i just cant think of it as my bed but as our bed...i think im gonna sleep on the couch in the living room tonight because i just cant take it in here...so many nights falling asleep on his chest w/ his arm around me while watching a movie...so many mornings waking up to his kiss or his stroke or his smile while lovingly looking at me...honestly, i never missed anyone like i miss dan right now...because he is just soo good to me, we are so good together, we nurture each other...its like a back bone..something i never thought i would find or that i never even believed existed.

i have this strong urge right now to just leave...get in my car and drive out to kutztown and just run into his arms..and just stay there...where i feel safe and calm again..i make him better and he makes me better..we make each other better in alot of ways...omg i soooo wanna just drive there right now..and be back in time for work the next day..im going to do that on wednesday night after work but it just seems so far away from now...

wow, i seriously dont feel comfortable in this room anymore...unless he is here i just feel soooooo insecure and weirded out being here to the point of discomfort...omg whats wrong with me........i would be comfortable anywhere else, even his room w/o him...just not THIS ROOM...

i am happy for him..im so happy for him, and i miss him so much and i just wanna be there w/ him...maybe its gonna be bad like this for this week but i just wish it would speed up so the worst will be over..

Comments: 2 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[17 Aug 2006|03:16pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

last cigarette: last night
last car ride: to my dr's appt
last good cry: earlier this week
last library book checked out: a book for a term paper
last movie seen: i think it was exorcist
last book read: "wasted"
last curse word uttered: "fuck"
last beverage drank: water
last food consumed: apple w/ peanut butter
last crush: currently dan
last phone call: my sister
last tv show watched: saved by the bell..LoL
last time showered: this morning when i got home from the gym
last shoes worn: flip flops
last cd played: wicked soundtrack
last item bought: saladworks last night for dinner
last downloaded: eew
last annoyance: last night when dan almost passed out on the table
last disappointment: when i didnt say something to the prick who cut in line at the dr's office
last soda drank: i dont drink soda
last key used: house key
last word spoken: "okay" to my sister just now who said she had to call my dad
last sleep: yesterday?
last im: amy
last sexual fantasy: refer to the "last crush" question
last weird encounter: w/ the guy pretending to be deaf at work last night
last ice cream eaten: chocolate soft serve from diane's
last time amused: last night when dan was singing to me
last time wanting to die: not in a very long time
last time in love: currently in love :)
last time hugged: today
last time scolded: don't remember
last time resentful: earlier this week
last chair sat in: couch
last lipstick used: i dont wear lipstick...but i wore mac gloss last night for work
last underwear worn: red mesh underwear from victoria's secret...hey you asked :)
last shirt worn: cream colored tank w/ my plaid button down over it
last time dancing: last weekend i think when i was high
last poster looked at: "shit happens" poster in bryan's room
last show attended: rent
last webpage visited: livejournal cuz i was bored

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[02 Aug 2006|01:13pm]
Last night was alotta fun....i went to jersey to hang out with laura,amy,fish and garen...we went bowling, got bored halfway through the second game and then decided to go to marlton diner (where else does a bunch of jersey college kids go to at 11:30pm?) but before that garen decided to get us some booz cuz yea, hes 21 now...but as it turned out the liquor store was closed so we chilled at the diner then decided to go back to fish's house to drink and smoke a lil....so fish and i stepped outside for a little, came back in...only to find garen covered in his own vomit...it was.......yea.

so after that incident the evening fell into kind of a silence where we watched date movie and lemme just say that its sooooo friggin hilarious!!!!!! amy was kinda drunk...i was pretty *coocoo* myself...feeling good, chillin out...but yea..i dun mean to be bitchy or anything but i cannot deal with throw up unless its done in a toilet...cuz then u can just flush it down and all is well..but when its all over someone or on the floor, i get nervous and i start to get quesy myself..so it came to a point where i kinda just wanted to leave..so laura and i left, fish took amy and garen home....(i was okay to drive dont worry) ended up talking outside her house....ended up talking for awhile...turned into about 2hrs...didnt get home till 4am where i fell asleep..

all in all it was a pretty good night, i felt bad for fish though...i think we all did cuz we all kept asking him if he needed any help cleaning up or whatever...but he insisted he was okay...

i dunno..there is something else i wanna discuss here but im afraid to becuz idunno who will read it and i dunno who will get insulted...

its upsetting to see someone who was once ur closest friend change for the worst....and every summer they seem to be getting worse and worse...how could anyone let themselves go all because of a couple mishaps in life? and i mean really just....LET THEMSELVES GO??? as in not care about their lives anymore...do nothing to help themselves, just throw their hands up in the air and give up? and then just slowly kinda fade away? what was once this vibrant happy determined amazingly smart human being just kinda turned into a depressed lonely person?

::sigh:: i dunno whats gonna become of it...where this is gonna go, and im scared to watch this person as time goes on...cuz so far as time goes on, its not getting any better..
Comments: Measure in Love!.

[31 Jul 2006|08:21pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

....i am simply in love with this one song right now, its on the ae mix..whenever it comes on it just puts me in the best mood, this song is called "Say Goodnight and Go" and its by imogen heap....its beautiful, amazing, calm, and it'll get anybody smiling...this song is in my head righ tnow....im going to dan's house now and im going to download it from his limewire on his computer..then i will blast it in my car and sing sing sing sing..that is all i have to inform you with....goodbye.

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[31 Jul 2006|05:17pm]
[ mood | creative ]

i cleaned the kitchen today which seriously needed it...its not 100% yet but its getting there.

there is still so much i wanna do before summer ends, i wanna visit the beach again (well multiple times) and host dinner parties (when i get the rest of my money) last night melanie,jon and ali came over and we watched basketball diaries which is seriously a good but upsetting movie...afterwards brian and dan came over and we all were chillin in my room..smoking some pot...laughing..having fun, it was all in all a good evening.

im in the mood for some veggie pizza tonight..so im going to acme to get one and put it in the oven.. along with a salad(but of course the salad wont go in the oven), what would seriously top that meal off would be a glass of red wine but i am lacking in that department...yadira moved out yesterday which was kinda weird, she still has alotta debt to pay (she owes sari bryan and i alotta money for rent and the bills) and we arent signing her name off the lease until she pays...

i finally got dan to watch a couple episodes of sex and the city last night...that was interesting, i thought he would never be up for it but i guess he was..maybe it was the pots effects i dunno..but he seemed to enjoy himself.....

i REALLY wanna go to the shore tomorrow..and i would be if i wasnt working...speaking of work, i got half of what they owed me on saturday..and im getting the rest of it this friday!!! im sooooo excited! i need to go shopping for food SOOO BADLY!! i just ran out of milk today and i have one package of oatmeal left so im basically fucked..tomorrow right after work im going sttraaiighhtt to shoprite where im buying enough to food to last me throughout the rest of the summer..then i wont have to worry anymore..then i can pay electric and comcast..get my eyebrows waxed..FINALLy buy that comforter from target i want!! WEEEE!!

so yea, before every1 goes back to school i wanna host a dinner party where everyone brings a dish..what would u guys think? i think that would be amazing...cuz we could all eat yummy food, drink good wine and enjoy the company that goes along with it..i really do live for fancy parties like that..i should throw them more often..i kinda like em more than ur regular average college beer parties sometimes..i dunno its a nice change..

i havent set a date yet but its definetly gonna be a lil after dan gets his mouth unwired so he can finally eat solid food...and yes ladies and gentlemen that day will also be my splurge day..this day will involve going to a chinese buffet w/ my beloved and eating until our stomachs just cant stretch out anymore..its gonna be gross..disgusting...fattening..artery clogging....blood pressure elevating..greasy AMAZING FUN!! (and i cant wait)

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[22 Jul 2006|12:08pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

i was only at work from literally 9:15am to 10:30am when my lovely manager decided to send me home seeing as how we were close to going over hours again...9:15-10:30am....is it really worth it?

ANYWAY...i bought a really cute bookshelf for only $20 at bed bath and beyond...its perfect and it stores everything including textbooks and notebooks when i get them for school...now that the bookshelf is conquered i gotta figure out how im gonna do the desk area..its gonna be the hardest since i have a small tv AND a laptop to worry about....i know for a fact that im gonna desperately need a clutter free nice sized study space where everything i need is in access and i still have a nice area to spread out all my shift and look up stuff online...im gonna get rid of alotta shit i dont need on there...clean out my desk drawers and organize them...put my speakers elsewhere (not sure where yet) clean off the surface so my laptop can have its own little corner and just...have more room..

maybe ill take a trip to ikea (wherever i can find one) and find myself a new desk at a reasonable price..ive never been to ikea so i dunno how expensive they are but i love sari's desk cuz its so spacious and thats where she got it from...cuz this desk i put together myself last summer..and i mean its nice and big but not big enough..

im really gonna take advantage of whats left of my summer..because this semester is seriously gonna be crunch time meaning no bullshit...these last two years of undergrad study im taking seriously cuz it'll help me alot in the long run...so yea, thats one of the reasons why im being so particular about how i want my whole room to be..because if its clutter free then i wont be as stressed out and ill be able to concentrate and focus more if i have nice clean area to spend alotta time in....im just writing this all down here so i have it infront of me what i need to do..

ANYWAY..ill be in jersey all day so if any1 wants to chill im up for it..tonite my sister and i planned a movie night of home movies which should be alotta fun...it was her idea, and i think its a good one...fpwejrew09e9rew

(i never know how to end these entries)

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[19 Jul 2006|02:45pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

sooo..havent visited this in a long while....its really hot out there, i wanna run outside cuz im just too bored with the treadmill but omg its unbearable..i got to the end of the block and turned back....now i feel fat, but i will probably run later if i feel more up to it...if not, atleast i lifted and did crunches today so that was a good thing....but i still feel fat.

my birthday fuckin rocked!!! and i guess u could say the celebration all started on wed the 28th when i finally got my NEW CAR!!!! (its beautiful...its new, its blue, and its MINE) so yea, i was pretty happy...that night dan and i went to see dave matthews which was really good...its a romantic concert to go to w/ ur loved one...

thurs night was a family bday dinner at the new cheesecake factory that opened up in cherry hill...it was amazingly good!!and can we talk about the choco peanut butter cookie dough cheesecake that topped it all off? omg...so gooood!

friday night was my birthday party at the apartment..alottapeople showed up!! alotta ppl i havent seen in awhile which was awesome!! so i had a nice time..played 3 games of flip cup and i NEVER PLAY DRINKING GAMES! but this time it was my bday so y not live it up a bit..i swear last drinking game i played was at halloween...

saturday (my actual bday) dan,me orly and martha went to see panic! at the disco in concert which was AMAZING because not only did they sing for u but there was some kind of theatrical show involved which made it all the more entertaining..there was also fireworks during intermission!! the rest of the weekend was spent sunning at the shore...and omg, it was awesome...

so now back to life...i got stuff to do like clean my room, shop for a new bookshelf and shower curtain cuz the one in the bathroom now is so disgusting...that i think its time for a new one...but the the thing i need the most is a new bookshelf because once i have that, im able to organize my room better leaving alotta floor space...cuz yea...right now its kinda not good with books on the floor and stuff...makes me feel cluttered, i want my room to have a more zen serene type feel...yea im looking towards redecorating if u will...cuz right now it looks kinda boring...but first things first, i cant redecorate unless i reorganize..and that means getting a bookshelf then i guess ill go from there.

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[27 Jun 2006|04:36pm]
i am scared to find out the balance of my checking account..i kno its not good, i have a credit card bill to pay off where i charged 77 dollars worth of groceries only to be running low again...im out of milk, fruit and cereal and pretty soon ill be out of bread....i have smart ones and lean cuisines...and a can of soup as well as a can of corn..and some oatmeal..and im all out of bottled water as well...i desperately need to go but charging my credit card and my debit card is out of the question..these times are scary for me, and i hate asking my grandma for money even though she reassures me all the time that its never a problem and if i need it she will gladly give it to me...

maybe i just buy the essentials ill be okay..bread,milk,cereal,fruit and eggs, yogurt..and just spread everything out...shouldnt be too bad i hope...godiva never called me back, which fucking sucks cuz i needed that job, it woulda been so perfect for me..but whatever.

i was thinking of applying for a waitressing job at friendlys and take the breakfast or lunch shift about 3times a week to put extra money in my pocket....friendlys is the only place i know that doesnt require u to have waitressing experience....but the thought of working at friendlys doesnt appeal to me too much...i guess i cant think about that when money is real tight and american eagle isnt giving me enough hours...gggrrr

i just wish this divorce was over already...im entering my junior year of college already, and its been going on since march of my senior year in high school....if it wasnt for the divorce, finances wouldnt be too harsh and i wouldnt have to worry about jobs too much...but thats the way it is i guess so no use complaining and just make the best of it..

on a more happier note: yesterday was me and dans 3month anniversary and we spent it by taking a trip to the franklin institute in the morning since he had a drs appt he couldnt get out of at 1pm and a concert to go to that night...so yea, jared my manager called me when i got back from the gym asking if i wanted to come in and help out tonight...i of course jumped at the opportunity because that means more hours and more money...so i got in around 7pm and left around 10:30ish...its better than nothing thats for damn sure...today i had an on call from 12:30-5:30 but they of course didnt need me...thurs i am working 11-5:15 and they better not cut that shift...

thursday night is my family dinner which is gonna be awesome...friday nigth is my bday party and saturday is PANIC AT THE DISCO BABY!!

so other than money issues..life is beautiful
Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[25 Jun 2006|10:56pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

one of the many reasons why i love this guy:

Edjuk8DGUesseR: how r U?
L Amore701: i feel like big bubbles are in my stomach...and they are like, popping
L Amore701: its kinda painful
L Amore701: but other than that im good
Edjuk8DGUesseR: wtf did u eat
Edjuk8DGUesseR: soap?
Edjuk8DGUesseR: lea....
L Amore701: LoL
Edjuk8DGUesseR: u cant eat that
L Amore701: what can i say i love the taste of dove
L Amore701: mmmm
Edjuk8DGUesseR: lol
Edjuk8DGUesseR: weirdo
L Amore701: takes one to know one ;-)
Edjuk8DGUesseR: :-*
L Amore701: :-D

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[25 Jun 2006|10:36pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

long heartfelt emotional entry that i have to get out of me...dont click if u cant handle it, trust me this is no sugarcoatingCollapse )

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[22 Jun 2006|10:44am]
[ mood | tired ]

Yesterday on our way to philadelphia as we were driving out of Holly's neighborhood...we spot a little girl standing in the middle of the street waving a bunch of papers in her hand...she looked to be about 8 or 9...cars were honking at her but she wouldnt get out of the street...it didnt take that long to see that she was obviously disabled of some sort...

my dad drove up and told her to go home but she just stood there and stared at him then walked around in a tiny circle in which case the papers she was holding flew out of her hand on the ground...luckily she was right outside her house..we figured this out because the papers she was holding was the mail since the mailbox was wide open...

my father picked up the papers and told her that its not safe to be in the street alone because she could get hurt...he then walked her back the house where the mother instantly runs out and my father explains that he found her daughter in the middle of the street, the woman thanked my dad and was upset/relieved at the same time...and with that, my father got back in the car and we drove off....

after we got off the bridge into center city we were stuck in a little traffic and this guy w/ matted hair wearing a white tshirt and jeans...eyes all red and puffy, you could tell he had some sort of drug in him...kept holding out his cupped hands going from car window to car window in a wavy like zig zag of a walk...when he got to our van i looked at him and he looked at me, cupped hands held out..walking to my window..then going to the next car.

and we started moving again.

so those were the two things i observed yesterday that affected me one way or another...and i totally forgot about them until now, so i just felt like i had to record it somewhere....keep track of my various encounters i have with unusual or different situations...i think i got two very strong glimpses of the lives of others that are so completely different from mine....and it just made me think, i dunno....there is no real big point im trying im trying to make....i just thought id get it out in the open..its just interesting to me i guess..

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[21 Jun 2006|03:31pm]
[ mood | dorky ]

so i thought...and i am wondering.

i wanna make my life more spontaneous and adventurous..i wanna do things on a whim, and i wanna enjoy it...becuz i figured ive always had the best of times when good things came totally unexpected, and those are actually the times i remember the most...

that is the thought of the day brought to you personally by Lea Rebecca Moradi

thank you all, have a great day!

Comments: 1 cups of coffeecups of coffee ¤ Measure in Love!.

[21 Jun 2006|11:16am]
[ mood | busy ]

Next week is birthday week...YAAAYYY!!

which means lots of get togethers, lots of laughs...fun..hugs..kisses..PRESENTS...parties...memories and so much more that goes with it...

godiva didnt call me back yet...i am hoping they do,i am just anxiously waiting since today is the last day or so they said...i just really need that second job already and im hoping i get it...i worked yesterday from 12:15-5:15 at american eagle where i was running both the register and fitting rooms at the same time since we were under staffed yet again...so yea, i was the only cashier until around 4 when lauren came in but i think i managed pretty well, when it got too busy one of the managers hopped on for a lil bit but nothing too bad...it was a rather calm shift...

dan surprised me at work when i totally thought he was going to a phillies game but plans changed for him so yea...he just showed up which made me smile and lucky enough for me i was going on break so i got to spend some time with him....went running afterwards which was ok but i kinda wanted to run more (didnt feel like i did enough) so today i am really pushing myself...maybe i can pull off 6miles in one hour? i came pretty close one time, wondering if i can actually do it...

wow, my LJ REALLY NEEDS A MAKEOVER..its been more than a year, i kinda want a change...but literally, when i do it..i have to actually sit down with so many tabs open cuz i dont have css memorized at all..as well as color coding and everything...and it takes forever...

something tells me i have to call work and remind them that lauren is taking my on call tonight, i told jared yesterday but i dont think he remembers...and i dunno whose closing tonight so yea..maybe i should call and let em kno again before i go running...

okay, off to run...PLEASE CALL ME BACK GODIVA!!! I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU!!

Comments: Measure in Love!.

[18 Jun 2006|05:55pm]
I am sitting here alone at my father's house...staring at a blank screen and for the first time in the history of this livejournal's existence.......i am at a loss for words as to how i wanna express what im feeling right now...but it seems as if everything thats coming to mind is just redundant (sp?) or cliche...or stuff ive ranted and raved and vented and typed all in caps about over 1000 times before....and yes afterwards i felt better and yes i felt somewhat relieved but....im just, at a pure loss for words...

I know for a fact i am a danger to myself in two aspects: generalization and personalization...the two can kill me...fuck, it almost came close in the past...

Personalization...

personalFUCKINGization.....it's deadly...its something im so prone to doing..its something i can be so vulnerable to....i am an emotional person, this comes from all the years of being numb and not allowing myself to feel anything....i am known to laugh out loud and yet i am known to cry out loud....i am known to express my anger when i am angry...

however...although i have managed to kick all the bad habits that poisoned me, i still havent managed to quite improve the one weakness that can seriously tear me to shreds, and that is the fact that i am sensitive to certain people around me...i am a strong person, goddammit i know i am strong in alot of ways but this is just one of those particular areas in which i am lacking strength....and this is the area that can cause severe emotional pain..trust me ive been there alot of different times in alot of different situations with alot of different people...and i can safely say that personalization wraps its tight grip around ur throat..u literally cannot breathe until you FEEL INSIDE that everyhing is okay...this can drive a person to fight...because they are feeling attacked, they have this drive to fight...some cry..some fight...i do both..i fight and i cry and i fight and i cry some more..and i wont stop the vicious cycle until everything is okay...i bring unnecessary shit in the argument, causing pain and more fights....

When in reality....THERE IS REALLY NOTHING TO FIGHT ABOUT...the person has no intention to hurt me in any way....yet in my mind it feels so real as if they are literally just doing things to hurt me...or cause fights...and yea, we all know thats ridiculous.....

.....shit doesnt have to hit the fan if i just learn to calm down and understand that its not about me..that that person has nothing against me what so ever...therefore there is no need to freak out and cause tears and fights...

i have been known to get all emotional when there really is no need to be..especially in this relationship, why u ask? well for alot of reasons..personalization is one of them, and i sit here now puzzled..why the hell would i think that dan would wanna hurt me? and i cant think of a reason...he is a human being, he is not perfect...neither am i...there are gonna be fuck ups..we'll fix them, but its hard to fix them if im so fucking wrapped up in personalization...

so i am not anymore...he is making a very noticeable effort to correct his faults and strengthen the good aspects...its about time i do the same, fix that one weakness of mine which can tear everything apart...how can i let stuff grow and develop and blossom and bloom if i take everything so personal?? i have to let him show me...i stress all the fucking time *show me show me show me* well hes been showing me ive just too wrapped up in the fucking negatives to take it in...WELL FUCK THE NEGATIVES...because its already being worked on, its gonna take time and in the meantime i have to be patient and i have to make an effort too..communication, honesty, attentiveness, love, respect for ourselves and each other's wants and needs....TRUST (a big thing) and support<------thats whats gonna work...

i have to take in the positives..because there alot of them, i dont wanna bring him down when hes trying, that is so selfish on my part and im not gonna do it anymore..

damn..its weird how tired and drained i can make myself be from my own emotions...its just not worth it anymore, so why get all worked up? fuck it..im gonna enjoy HIM...for who he is, and he is gonna enjoy me for who i am and we are going to show each other...

im just happy with the fact that im with someone whose willing to try so hard..and i am sooo thankful for it cuz im the same way..myabe thats why i got my heart broken so many times in the past...cuz im not one to give up so easily...
Comments: Measure in Love!.

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